Monday, August 10, 2009

I am an American Conservative Shitheel.

"This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issed by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all it's valuables thanks to the local police department.

I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right."


(by Oliver Willis)


9 comments:

Dan said...

Thank you for this. That's all I can say. I love this piece because you can immediately see what it's driving at, and then you get to the end and it delivers beautifully. Thank you.

John said...

This is very well done. I'll be spreading it... thanx.

thefutureamerican said...

BWAH! I'll link to this on my blog this weekend.

Vigilante said...

Excellent! I'm linking this!

Audrey II said...

Hey, thanks to everyone for the kind comments, but please be sure to give Oliver Willis intellectual credit/a link for the original posting.

Metalistik said...

I am an American Liberal Deuche

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated, but not controlled or dispensed by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility which has always had a monopolist, ironclad grip on that whole sector.
After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels, the content of which is provided by private news firms, to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration as well as other private firms, such as Lockeed-Martin, Northop and Boeing just to name a few, without which the US space program and modern day NWS and NOAA would not exist.
I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food which was grown and raised by private farms and coops, and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration, but made and dispensed by those evil drug companies.
At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, which uses the Atomic Clock, first manufactured by National Company of Malden and now maintained by HP, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile which would fall apart within a mile if manufactured by them, and set out to work on the roads build by the private contractor firms which bid on contracts sent out by federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency yet still provided and dispensed by the evil oil companies, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank which would be worth as much as toilet paper if not for the private market.
On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service, which is going under like the mighty Titanic due to their poor management and drop the kids off at the public school which is not nearly as good as a private school, but it’s free, right? After you pay for it with your taxes, that is.
After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration on my workplace which is most likely a private firm as well, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, plus the fact that living customers are a lot more useful to private food manufacturers then dead ones, I drive my ,NHTSA regulated but not built, car back home on the DOT roads built by private contractors, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection and the fact that the private contractor firm that built it knew what they were doing, and which has not been plundered of all it’s valuables thanks to the local police department which heavily relies on cooperation with private security firms.
I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration but brought to people like you and me by “hackers” from MIT and then “pipelined” by AT&T and post on a plethora of blogs about how SOCIALISM in medicine is not so BAD because the government needs to wipe my nose for me, since I can’t do it myself and don’t know the difference between regulatory agencies versus manufacturers and providers of goods and services.

nonitucker said...

Nice try, Metalistik. Many of those manufacturers/providers have succeeded due to reliance on government-funded infrastructure, incentives, and tax breaks.

Audrey II said...

Spot on, nonitucker.

As well, it isn't the left that denies that both private and public sectors have successful roles to play in the development and delivery of goods and services. In fact, most "liberals" of the US stripe are quite openly advocates of mixed markets.

Metalisk's meandering rant only (ironically) evidences the kind of ignorance and anger the original piece was designed to call attention to.

Dorothy said...

Very frickin funny! Love it.

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